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The Cat Lovers Thread

Discussion in 'Animal Family & Friends' started by Amy SF, Oct 8, 2012.

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  1. Amy SF

    Amy SF Dweller in nature

    We start off with some internet classics:

    HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

    1. Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
    holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
    of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
    pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
    cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
    left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.

    4. Take a new pill from the bottle, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
    paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
    mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from atop the armoire.
    Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
    rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
    firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
    down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from the bottle. Make
    note to buy new ruler and curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
    and vases from hearth and set to one side for repairing.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
    visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
    open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to
    take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
    from carpet with soap and cold water.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
    Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
    Force mouth open with spoon. Flick pill down throat with a rubber band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
    Drink another beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
    compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
    whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
    T-shirt in trash and put on another one.

    12. Call the fire department to get the damn cat from the tree across the
    street. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
    avoid hitting the cat.

    13. Tie the bastard's front paws to rear paws with duct tape and bind tightly
    to leg of table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push pill
    into mouth followed by a large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and
    pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
    room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
    pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on the way home to
    order a new table.

    15. Call and make arrangements for Humane Society to collect mutant cat
    from hell. Call the animal shelter and see if they have any hamsters.


    HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

    1. Wrap it in bacon.


    EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

    Day number 180
    8:00 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 AM - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

    Day number 181
    8:00 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 AM - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!




    EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
    The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
    satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
    Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
    they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
    stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
    once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try
    this on their bed.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to
    make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
    their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little
    cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was
    chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning
    foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
    liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between
    my teeth.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
    solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
    the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I
    overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must
    learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The
    dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
    obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant,
    and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.
    Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But
    I can wait, it is only a matter of time.



    Cat Haiku

    You never feed me.
    Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
    That will show you.

    I need a new toy.
    Tail of black dog keeps good time.
    Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

    The rule for today:
    Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
    New rule tomorrow.

    In deep sleep hear sound
    Cat vomit hairball somewhere
    Will find in morning

    Grace personified,
    I leap into the window.
    I meant to do that.

    Blur of motion, then
    Silence, me, a paper bag.
    What is so funny?

    The mighty hunter
    Returns with gifts of plump birds
    Your foot just squashed one

    You're always typing.
    Well, let's see you ignore my
    Sitting on your hands.

    My small cardboard box.
    You cannot see me if I
    Can hide my head. There.

    Small brave carnivores
    Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
    Fear vacuum cleaner

    Want to trim my claws?
    Don't even think about it!
    My cries will wake the dead.

    Want to go outside.
    Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
    Let me back inside!

    Oh no! my Human
    has been trapped by newspaper!
    Cat to the rescue!

    Humans are so strange.
    Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
    My claws aren't that sharp ...

    Litter box not here
    You must have moved it again
    I'll crap in the sink.

    I want to be close
    To you. Can I fit my head
    inside your armpit?

    The Big Ones snore now
    Every room is dark and cold
    time for "Cup Hockey"

    We're almost equals
    I purr to show I love you
    Want to smell my butt?
     
    • Like Like x 9
  2. AeryFairy

    AeryFairy Anachronism

    Location:
    Manchester, UK
    I love kitties! :D
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  3. KLS52

    KLS52 Only Kindness Matters

    This first one makes me lol

    ImageUploadedByTapatalk1350124188.693718.jpg

    ImageUploadedByTapatalk1350124202.845454.jpg
     
    • Like Like x 9
  4. Nightshade

    Nightshade Get off my lawn!

    Location:
    Ohio
    • Like Like x 4
  5. PiSis

    PiSis always on. slightly off.

    all super funny, but the haikus are the best. had never seen those before.
    this one cracked me up the most (& has actually happened):
    You're always typing.
    Well, let's see you ignore my
    Sitting on your hands.
    :rofl:
     
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Lord Snot

    Lord Snot Parsley Provider

    [​IMG]

    Meet chimera cat. She recently went viral on the internet - for obvious reasons. Chimera cat is one individual organism, but genetically its own fraternal twin. A chimera is typically formed from four parent cells (either two fertilized eggs, or two early embryos that have fused together). When the organism forms, the cells that had already begun to develop in the separate embryos keep their original phenotypes and appearances. This means that the resulting animal is a mixture of tissues and can look like this gorgeous (but bizarre) kitty.
    She also has complete heterochromia, a condition when the eyes are different colours.
     
    • Like Like x 4
  7. mary

    mary World Class Member

    Location:
    Calgary, Alberta
    I <3 the cat diary!
     
  8. mary

    mary World Class Member

    Location:
    Calgary, Alberta
    Charlie.jpg

    This is Charlie. He's 5 years old. His owner died so my BF took him in. Charlie likes dancing in from of the mirror to Led Zeppelin. He might just be the cooles cat ever.
     
    • Like Like x 10
  9. AeryFairy

    AeryFairy Anachronism

    Location:
    Manchester, UK
    eeee, charlie is adorable :D
     
  10. Dedalus

    Dedalus Mercurial and fleeting

    I've posted this pic all over - but it certainly belongs here:

    Sabra Kitty GTR 1 - meme.jpg
     
    • Like Like x 7
  11. PiSis

    PiSis always on. slightly off.

    omgosh, your Charlie is a twin brother to my Jack!
    whose picture i will be posting soon....:p
     
  12. sallyomally

    sallyomally Addicted Poster

    Location:
    Houston,TX
    I follow her on facebook !
     
    • Like Like x 2
  13. KLS52

    KLS52 Only Kindness Matters

    Yay! It's Charlie!! :) He's very handsome!
     
  14. CrazyCatLady

    CrazyCatLady World Class Member

    • Like Like x 3
  15. KLS52

    KLS52 Only Kindness Matters

    I think I have more pics of my cats than I do of my grand kids...*embarrassed*...
     
    • Like Like x 8
  16. CrazyCatLady

    CrazyCatLady World Class Member

    The like button isn't enough. I proper lol'd xxx
     
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Lord Snot

    Lord Snot Parsley Provider

    No jokes, I realised yesterday I can't picture my husband's face. I can picture his individual features and his body (ahem) but not his face. He's been gone 3 weeks.

    Then I was talking to my mum about the hamster I had when I was 8 and our cats that have died, and I could remember them all clear as day.
     
    • Appreciation Appreciation x 1
  18. KLS52

    KLS52 Only Kindness Matters

    Hmmmm...well yes, that says a lot! Lol
     
  19. Lord Snot

    Lord Snot Parsley Provider

    But I love his face, it's one of my favourite parts!

    I remember Dixie perfectly, he was such a strange and wonderful cat

    [​IMG]
     
    • Like Like x 1
  20. CrazyCatLady

    CrazyCatLady World Class Member

    Gorgeous! Xxx
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
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